Many married women have uttered the phrase “I don’t know why my spouse won’t talk to me” at some point or another. Recognize that you are not alone if this is where you are right now.
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Men often cease communicating in their marriages for a variety of reasons. For instance, when their wife offends them, some men cease communicating in their marriage. In any case, it can be frustrating at first when the husband avoids speaking to the wife. After all, poor communication can cause marriages to fall apart.
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A typical emotional game of “chicken” known as the “silent treatment” can be very damaging to a marriage. Fortunately, whether this occurs infrequently in your relationship or is a default defensive mechanism, you may get over the impenetrable barrier, deal with the immediate problem, and cooperate to put an end to silent treatment.
The causes of the silent treatment
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Relationship therapist Megan Harrison, LMFT, argues that the silent treatment generally “is a means to attempt and inflict emotional suffering on someone as a result of sentiments of anger or irritation.” They are subtly conveying that your acts and words are inappropriate by withholding approbation.
When someone is overwhelmed or furious and unable to explain oneself in a healthy way, they may choose the silent treatment. They may use the silent treatment to gain the upper hand by pressuring the other person to make amends or because they dislike conflict and don’t want to engage in lengthy conversations. The silent treatment may be a learned tendency (perhaps because a parent employed it and they have no other options) or just a strategy they have tested and know works.
However, giving someone the silent treatment is a small-minded, passive-aggressive strategy used in emotional conflict. The silent treatment, often known as “stonewalling,” is one of Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen, a group of characteristics that frequently indicate the end of a relationship since it violates every guideline of healthy communication.
The distinction between the silent treatment and your partner stating that they need some time to calm down after a fight should be made, it should be noted. The latter is fine as long as they explain their motivations and deal with the situation at hand when they’ve calmed down. The issue comes with entirely excluding someone from a situation. Elisabeth Gordon, MD, an integrative sexual health psychiatrist and sex therapist, states that “they refuse to interact and become non-communicative and non-responsive.”
The Dangers of the Silent Treatment
A harsh strategy is the silent treatment. You may feel helpless, disrespected, invisible, annoyed, angry, or you may experience a roller coaster of these emotions when you’re the target of the silent treatment. Because humans are by nature social beings, a lot of people feel helpless. Because social inclusion signals safety and the ability to continue, Gordon says, our brains are wired to perceive it. In actuality, the same area of the brain that senses social connection also senses discomfort and danger. It makes sense why being ignored by a loved one hurts so much and causes us to wish for a reunion so we may feel safe once more.
A circumstance where you can speak and settle the issue that sparked the stonewalling isn’t created by the silent treatment, according to Gordon. And since it’s crucial to be able to express your sentiments honestly and openly in every relationship, any lack of communication is never a good thing.
Even worse, when used excessively, the silent treatment can be used to dominate and manipulate a person. Therefore, pay attention and note whether your partner gives you the silent treatment occasionally, regularly but is amenable to talking about it (perhaps after a few hours or a day), or if you believe it to be emotional abuse.
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What to Say if Your Husband Will Not Talk to You Anymore?
Harrison advises against taking matters further if a loved one is refusing to speak to you and may even be giving you the death glare. “Don’t let it get to you. Be patient and calm. She suggests against reacting angrily, being pompous or condescending, and pleading with your partner to speak up.
You can break their silence by doing something. Communicate about the silent treatment by utilizing “I” statements to describe what you see, advises Gordon. I’ve seen you shut down and stop reacting to me, for instance. Then, in order to avoid blaming the other person, use more “I” sentences to express how their silence has affected you. Then, calmly explain how this makes it more difficult to fix the underlying problem. Gordon advises to then provide some alternatives, such as a cooling-off period, since emotions may be running high. You may say something like, “Let’s not chat if you’re too unhappy right now. But let’s schedule a time to discuss this again later.
Gordon advises giving your partner the spotlight when you do start a conversation about it. Waiting until they are finished will allow them time to express what is upsetting them, she advises. When it’s your turn, start by expressing gratitude for them speaking and avoiding a more negative response. If you done something that irritated them, think about offering an apology to help defuse the situation. Then, Gordon advises, “attempt to have a conversation about both the issue’s resolution and, either then or later, about how to avoid get into that scenario again.”
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How to Help Your Husband Want to Talk to You and the 6 Reasons He Won’t
Realizing the reason your husband won’t talk to you.
Understanding people may be done with one easy step. People take actions because they believe they will gain from them or to avoid suffering. Determine which of these two explanations best fits your husband’s conduct in order to comprehend his actions.
Which one gives your hubby more satisfaction? Trying to avoid you or talking to you? Which makes him feel the happiest? most agonizing? He will value chatting to you more if you attempt to boost his pleasure and lessen his pain.
First theory: Your husband is refusing to communicate because he needs more love and attention (the pleasure motive)
He might not be talking to you because he thinks you are not paying enough attention to him. But instead of genuinely wanting your attention, he makes an effort to coerce it. The essence of needy behavior is trying to compel our partners to give us what we want.
You can count on him to keep doing it as long as he can do so and gain additional attention. Usually, he only engages in this activity when he isn’t otherwise receiving enough attention. It’s crucial to evaluate whether you still show your husband the same level of love and care that you formerly did.
The second scenario is that your husband avoids conversation because he dislikes disagreement (the avoiding pain motive)
Your husband might be angry with you for something, but he’s keeping quiet out of concern that talking about it would lead to a fight. He might be acting in accordance with the proverb, “If you can’t say anything kind, don’t say anything at all.”
Even though you might think the issue could be fixed if he would just tell you what was troubling him. But in all honesty, this is frequently not the case. If he revealed what was bothering him, it would cause you two to argue much more than you already do.
Consider a time when your husband let you know what was on his mind. Has it been beneficial? Is there a valid excuse for your husband’s reluctance to share with you right now? When he tells you what’s bothering him, do you do a good job of making him feel supported?
Third possibility: Your husband refuses to speak because he has given up on himself.
Maybe your husband has brought up a persistent issue in your relationship with him. Maybe he had given up on that ever changing. This is a blatant indicator that he might be preparing to end your relationship. You must move quickly if your husband claims he needs time to decide what he wants.
Men typically give up on change because they lose hope rather than because they have grown to accept things as they are. There’s a chance that his optimism will begin to come from elsewhere.
Is there something that used to worry your husband but doesn’t anymore? Could his silence indicate a move toward ending your relationship in order to acquire what he wants?
The fourth possibility is that your husband is punishing you by not talking to you.
Have you done something that your hubby dislikes? If so, he might be engaging in behavior you find objectionable. He wants to teach you to stop acting that way because men are goal-oriented.
He will know it is a good technique to discipline you if he is aware of how much it affects you when he doesn’t talk to you. Men who adopt this method frequently punish those they perceive as responsible for their difficulties.
Is he always right? He will feel more justified in judging others, including you, the more right he feels. Does your husband frequently feel like a victim of the actions of others? Is his approach the only correct one?
Five: Your husband is trying to coerce you into doing something, which is why he won’t talk to you.
People can do a variety of things to try to get their way. Unfortunately, some of these involve refraining from showing love, affection, attention, or speaking. These invariably do harm.
You’re more likely to succumb to this form of psychological blackmail if you fear losing your husband. If you do, your spouse will be praised for doing so and will be even more inclined to repeat the behavior.
Giving in to psychological manipulation simply makes this issue worse, just like giving in to a youngster who is having a tantrum in order to get what he wants. Has your husband become more and more prone to doing this over time? What has he discovered that motivates him to keep doing it?
Six: Your husband may not talk to you because he is purposefully putting emotional distance between you two.
People might separate themselves from their relationship in a variety of ways. Arguing over unimportant issues is one that happens frequently. Another is avoiding any personal communication and either not talking at all or only talking about practical issues.
One of the telltale indicators that your husband is getting ready to leave you or is already cheating on you is this. People frequently drive a wedge between their relationships in order to feel justified in such behavior. Most people would feel bad if they betrayed or deserted someone with whom they have a solid relationship.
Typically, men in this circumstance won’t go to marriage counseling or will undermine it if they do. Does your husband seem to intentionally want to spark a fight? Even if you treat your husband properly, do you still encounter rejection?
What should you do if your husband won’t communicate with you?
It can be beneficial to your marriage to know what to do when your husband avoids communication. To learn how to get your husband to talk to you, look over the following.
Get in touch with him.
If for whatever reason your husband won’t talk to you, you should chat to him instead. Be kind and collected in your tone. Telling him that you cherish your marriage and care about him will help you get off to a good start. Then, calmly inquire as to the issue’s nature without blaming him.
Consider him more
Most likely, you have previously shown him appreciation in your actions. Now you have to go further. For the family, you should be aware of and grateful for the simple things.
Don’t criticize his personality in conversation.
When trying to resolve a problem, it’s simple to focus on your partner’s error. However, this will make marriages’ communication problems worse. Keep in mind that you have no idea why people behave the way they do. The purpose of the chat is to learn about and emphasize the reasons why they won’t talk to you. You should therefore concentrate on what you have observed and how it makes you feel.
Be sincere and upfront.
No information should be withheld at this time. Make every effort to be sincere in your communications with your partner. When it’s necessary, admit fault, and reassure him that he may tell you anything.
Show him you care more.
Due to a lack of attention from their spouses, some men in marriages quit communicating. The least you can do is treat your partner with more respect if he goes to such lengths to make you happy. It won’t harm to increase it, even if you have in the past.
For instance, enquire further about his day and any concerns he may have. Be sincere and deliberate in this action. He might alter his mind and tell you what’s wrong because it’s so attractive.
Conclusion
The zeal that strengthens two devoted people is the marriage between them. A lack of communication, though, might undermine the foundation you have established.
For a variety of reasons, many men quit talking in their relationships. Their entire wives, themselves, or another factor may be at fault. The greatest solution is to speak with your partner, even though it can be frustrating for the wives.
At first, your husband might be reluctant, but the strategies discussed in this article have been shown to work for many couples. Another option to strengthen your marriage is to get expert assistance from a therapist or marital counselor.
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