Most of the time, divorce is a last resort that is only used when nothing else has worked. Choosing to get a divorce is a big choice that may seem like it can’t be changed. But the process of getting a divorce is set up so that you can cancel your divorce case if you change your mind.
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You might be having second thoughts for a lot of different reasons. Maybe you and your partner have made a lot of work on the things that were bothering you and now have more faith in your marriage. Or, maybe you want to stay apart but can’t start the divorce process until your kids hit a certain age, your partner finishes medical school, or you both make enough money to support two households. No matter what the reason is, how do you stop a divorce from happening?
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A Step By Step Guide to Stopping Your Divorce
1. Respect how your partner feels.
If your partner wants a divorce, it’s normal to feel scared or beaten, but that doesn’t mean he or she won’t change their mind. “When I run marriage workshops, I often work with couples who are about to split up. “It seems like one or both partners have given up or aren’t sure if they want to stay together,” says therapist John Grey, Ph.D. “Most of the time, when I help them figure out what’s wrong, things get better, they remember how much they love each other, and they want to stay together. The first step in letting that happen is for you to accept that your partner wants to leave. You both have the right to feel the way you do, and it’s important to accept the other person’s point of view without trying to change it.
2. Validate Your Partner’s Feelings
“Take responsibility,” even if it seems like the last thing you want to do. “Talk to your partner and try to understand why they’re doing this,” says Rachel Sussman, LCSW, a therapist. Keep it simple and to the point: “I get it. Sussman says, “You feel that I haven’t been there for you, that I haven’t been kind to you, that I haven’t been loving to you.” “Even if you don’t agree, make sure you understand from your partner’s point of view why they want to end the marriage. That’s very strong.”
Read more: How to Date An Aries Man, His Likes and Dislikes That You Should Know
3. Turn off your quick brain
“When their primitive survival alarm goes off, people act worse, not better,” says Grey. “And the threat of divorce sounds our survival warning more than anything else.”All of the hurtful things people say and do during a divorce are controlled by the parts of our brain that work without our permission when we feel threatened,” says Grey. It’s important to be aware of this fight-or-flight habit and stop acting on it. Your goal is to be the mature, kind, and loving person your partner fell in love with, not the worried, angry person in survival mode.
4. Retreat
If the person you love wants to leave the marriage, your first instinct is probably to go after them. But in this case, you don’t want to beg, plead, or chase after the person. In the same way that your partner’s leaving makes you chase after him or her, your chasing after him or her will only make him or her want to leave more. So it’s time for you to stop trying to control everything and do your own thing. “Don’t get upset. “That is a big turnoff,” Sussman says. You need to stay cool. You must give your partner space. And you should act in a way that will make him or her miss you. This means you shouldn’t yell, beg, or cause a scene.
5. Do something for yourself
You may think this breakup is mostly your partner’s fault and have a list of things you’d like him or her to change, but you can only change yourself. In the end, you’ll both need to change to be happy, so it’s time for each of you to do your part. Sussman says, “Back off and build a support group of friends and family for now.” That means you call them when you feel weak, angry, or scared, not your partner. “The point is to show your partner that you’ve changed.” So go back to yoga class, see a doctor on your own, hang out with old friends, or try something new. Focus on being the best version of yourself you can be, and know that your partner will finally notice.
Read more: 21 Best Ways to Forget Your First Love and Move On
6. Get in touch again
If you do the first five steps, your partner will probably come around in some way, even if it’s just agreeing to meet for coffee after a week or two. When you do see each other again, don’t try to fix your relationship right away. Instead, focus on having good times together. Over time, when some of the stress is gone and you can laugh and smile with each other again, you can decide if you’re still both interested in making things better.
7. Make new rules for the ground
First and foremost, Grey says, “Stop putting the relationship at risk.” “Get them to want to change by saying, ‘Let’s stop threatening divorce and find our way back to the happiness we once had together.'” Next, keep trying to stop your brain from reacting and pay attention to how your partner feels. Both of your feelings are important, but you’ll have to learn to watch out for each other. “If you get into a fight, say, ‘This is not just one person’s fault. We both need to learn how to talk to each other better so that we can be happy again,” says Grey. And don’t forget the most important phrase: “I care about how you feel,” which your partner probably doesn’t believe.
8. Watch and see what happens
“If you want to find a common theme in divorces, it’s that the problem can’t be solved in a way that makes both people happy,” says Sussman. Even if you’re ready to do your part, that doesn’t mean your partner is, too. Sussman says, “The difference between boys and men is the ability to roll up your sleeves and work on a problem in an effective way.” So keep an eye on what happens when you work hard and give your relationship your all. After a few weeks or months, does your partner do the same? You can get help from a couples therapist, but “at the end of the day, we really want to ask ourselves, did we do everything we could?” says Sussman. “If your partner doesn’t come back, you can at least feel better about how you’ve handled yourself.”
How to keep from getting a divorce
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- Make time every day to connect with your partner in a loving way. Couples have a much better chance of staying together if they spend at least 15 minutes a day just talking to each other. For example, you could get up a little earlier and use the extra time in bed to cuddle, make love, and tell each other you love them. Take time every day to have important conversations with each other, listen with the same intensity as when you were dating, touch, hug, and show affection, tell each other how you feel about your marriage, and talk about your goals for the marriage and your lives.
- Give your partner compliments often, both privately and in front of other people. Even if your partner seems embarrassed or shrugs it off at first, the glow from true praise lasts for a long time.
- Love your partner the way he or she would like to be loved. We often make the mistake of thinking that the things that mean the most to us will mean the same thing to our partner. For example, you might think red roses are the right gift, but your spouse might think they’re a waste of money and a trigger for an allergy attack. Find out what your partner wants, if you don’t already know, and give it to them with love. Don’t say how “stupid” it is to want a cordless drill, a picnic on the living room floor, or a tuna casserole. Don’t forget that the best gift is something your partner wants, not something you want them to have.
- Take care of how you look. Look good for your partner. Get rid of those worn-out sweatpants and sweaters that he or she hates so much. You can find other comfy clothes that won’t turn off your partner as much. This also means taking care of your health by eating right and getting enough exercise.
- Remain true. Dr. Finnegan Alford-Cooper looked at 576 couples who had been married for 50 years or longer. In 1998, she wrote the book For Keeps: Marriages that Last a Lifetime, which was based on her research. In her study, she found that 95 percent of the spouses agreed that being faithful was important for a happy marriage, and 94 percent agreed or strongly agreed that marriage is a long-term commitment to one person. And these “lifers” weren’t just making the best of a bad situation: 90 percent of the couples she talked to after 50 years or more said they were still happy together.
- Do things as a group. Another thing that most couples who have been married for a long time have in common is that they do fun and exciting things together often. Participate in at least one activity that you and your partner both enjoy every week. This could be waltz dancing, bowling, playing cards, SCUBA diving, or skiing. Make sure that at least half of these things are just for you and your partner if you have kids.
- Take some time alone. You take a painting class while your partner plays hockey. You play bridge while your partner collects stamps. You don’t have to like everything your partner likes, but you do have to let them do the things they enjoy. A bonus is that your different hobbies can make you both interested in each other.
- Make your partner your friend. John Gottman, a professor of psychology who says that his study can tell with 91 percent accuracy whether a couple will stay together or not, says that friendship is the key to a happy and successful marriage. Some of the most important parts of this kind of friendship are that the two people know each other well, show care and respect for each other every day, and enjoy each other’s company. Gottman’s conclusions were based on 25 years of study on marriage, which he wrote about in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
In closing
After collecting stories about the best and worst ways to deal with marriage, separation, and divorce for many years, the editors of Divorce Magazine have chosen to share some of their best tips for avoiding divorce. The tips above might help you reach a point where you want to work things out with your present partner, or they might help you in your next relationship. No matter what, these tips are worth reading.
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