People who are manipulative try to make their own goals look like your goals.
These people will do everything they can to get you to think that their ideas are facts. They will tell you that everyone in the office thinks you are rude, crazy, or not smart enough to do your job.
What is it to manipulate?
Professor Len Bowers says that someone is manipulating when they lie, force, trick, or scare others into doing what they want.
It is not the same as healthy social influence because manipulators only care about their own wants and not those of other people. When you affect people in a fair way, you don’t just use them to help yourself. Instead, you try to get them to see things your way while still taking their wants and feelings into account.
Why do people try to trick other people?
People can be deceptive for many different reasons.
On a basic level, they may not have the skills or confidence to influence and convince people the right way, so they use sneaky methods to get what they want.
But there are often other, more complicated reasons for why they do what they do. In 2004, she wrote a book called “Who’s Pulling Your Strings? How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life,” Dr. Harriet B. Braiker wrote that manipulative people:
Feel like they have to hurt other people to get what they want.
Need to be in charge of the relationships they have. (This may stem from low self-esteem.)
Want to feel in charge of their surroundings and of what other people do. If they don’t have this, they might feel worried.
How to Spot a Deceptive Person
People who are good at manipulating are often smart and know how to use subtle violence to get what they want. They are also very good at lying, which can make it hard to figure out what they are doing in the first place.
Here are eleven. Getting to know them will help you escape getting drunk:
1. You won’t know which form of them you’re going to get.
One day they’ll be very nice, and the next you’ll wonder what you did to make them mad. Most of the time, there isn’t a clear reason for the change in mood. You just know something is wrong. They might be irritable, sad, cold, or grumpy, and if you ask them what’s wrong, they’ll probably say “nothing,” but they’ll give you just enough to know that something is wrong. “Just enough” could be a deep sigh, an eyebrow raised, or a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making reasons for them or trying to make them happy in any way you can. Why do you think it works for them?
2. They will try to control.
You’re probably right if you think you’re the only one making the relationship work. People who are bad for you tend to make you feel like you owe them something. They also have a way of taking something from you or hurting you and then saying it was all for you. This happens a lot when the balance of power is off at work or in a relationship. “I’ve left you the papers for the last six months. I thought you’d enjoy the experience and the chance to learn how to use the file boxes.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It will give you a chance to show how good you are in the kitchen. K?
3. They won’t own up to how they feel.
Instead of taking responsibility for their own feelings, they’ll act as if they’re yours. It’s called “projecting,” which means that they are putting their own feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take blame for it might say that you are angry with them. It could be as indirect as, “Are you okay with me?” or as direct as, “Why are you mad at me?” or “You’ve been sad all day.”
You’ll find yourself explaining and defending, and because it’s not about you, this will often go in circles. Be very clear about what you own and what they own. If you feel like you have to defend yourself too often against false charges or questions, you may be being projected on. You don’t have to explain, justify, or defend yourself, or deal with a false charge. Don’t forget that.
4. They’ll make you show them what you’re made of.
They’ll often force you to choose between them and something else, and you’ll always feel like you have to go with them. Toxic people will wait until you’ve promised to do something, and then they’ll start causing trouble. “If you cared about me, you’d skip your exercise class and hang out with me instead.” The trouble with this is that there will never be enough. Few things are fatal, and if it’s not a matter of life or death, it can probably wait.
5. They never say they’re sorry.
They’ll lie before they apologize, so it’s pointless to argue with them. They’ll change the story and tell it in such a way that makes it sound true that they’ll start to believe it.
People don’t have to say they’re sorry when they’re wrong. And you don’t have to say you’re sorry to move on. Just keep going without them. Don’t give up the truth, but don’t keep arguing either. It makes no sense. Some people care more about being right than being happy, and you have better things to do than give them something to fight about.
6. They’ll be there for you when you’re in trouble, but they’ll never be happy for you.
They will find problems with your good news. The old ones: “The money isn’t that great for how much work you’ll be doing,” someone said about a raise. About a beach vacation: “Well, it will be very hot. Do you really want to leave?’ About being made Queen of the Universe, she said, “Well, you know, the Universe isn’t that big, and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.” Do you get it? Don’t let them bring you down or make you as small as they are. You don’t need their praise or anyone else’s anyway.
7. They won’t finish a chat and will then go offline.
They won’t answer when you call. They won’t respond to emails or texts. And in between listening to their voicemail message, you might find yourself replaying the conversation or argument in your head, wondering what you did to upset them or if they’re dead, alive, or just ignoring you, which can sometimes feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you continue to feel bad without trying to help. Even if they try, that doesn’t mean they’ll solve the problem, but at least they’ll try. Consider it a sign that they care about the connection if they leave you alone for long periods of time.
8. They’ll use things that aren’t bad in a bad way.
Even if the word is simple, the way it is said says a lot more. Depending on how it’s said, “What did you do today?” can mean different things. It could mean anything from “So I bet you didn’t do anything, as usual,” to “I’m sure your day was better than mine.” My was terrible. Just terrible. And you didn’t even pay enough attention to ask.’ When you ask about the tone, they will say, “All I said was, “What did you do today?”,” which is kind of true, but not really.”
9. They’ll talk about things that don’t matter.
Toxic people will bring up irrelevant details from five fights ago when you’re trying to solve something important. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago and still protecting yourself instead of dealing with the problem at hand. It seems to always come down to what you’ve done to them.
10. They will focus on how you talk instead of what you are talking about.
You might be trying to solve a problem or get more information, but before you know it, the conversation or fight has moved away from the problem that was important to you and onto how you talked about it, whether there was anything wrong with the way you talked about it or not. You’ll find yourself justifying your tone, your gestures, your choice of words, or even the way your belly moves when you breathe, and it doesn’t even have to make sense. Your original need is long gone, and the pile of unfinished talks seems to be getting bigger every day.
11. They go too far.
“You always…,” “You never…,” etc. It’s hard to fight back against this kind of trickery. Toxic people often use the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as proof that you’re not a good person. Don’t believe what they say. You’ll lose. And there’s no reason to.
If you know the tricks that toxic people use most often, you will be better able to spot and name their manipulations. More importantly, if you know how to spot a dangerous person, you’ll have a better chance of stopping yourself before you tie yourself up in knots trying to please them.
Some people can’t be happy, and some people won’t be good for you, and that often has nothing to do with you. You can always say no to crazy that doesn’t make sense. Be sure of yourself and own your flaws, quirks, and the things that make you stand out. You don’t need anyone’s approval, but if someone is trying hard to control you, it’s probably because they want yours. You don’t have to always give it, but if you do, don’t make it too expensive.
Taking on Manipulators
If there are any manipulators on your team, you might need to talk to them about how they’re acting if it’s hurting your group or the goal.
When you do this, there’s a good chance that they’ll either not care about what they did or get mad at you for calling them out on it. They might also try to blame you or someone else or explain why they did what they did. Work on your skills for resolving conflicts so you can handle situations like this well. If you’re nervous about the conversation, you can practice it by playing a part. Before you talk to them, you’ll also need to write down what you’ve seen them do.
Talk to them one-on-one. They might not know how their actions affect the people around them, so this talk needs to be handled with care.
Be specific about how their actions hurt the team, and use “I” statements instead of “you” statements to show how their actions affect others. For example, instead of saying, “You are very manipulative,” you could say, “It makes me uncomfortable when you threaten people in that way.”
Kate Zyana